Relieved

I thought I can learn to live with it...

I thought I can manage to smile it away...

But no. 

Deep inside the trying me, my heart was trying to follow what my mind kept on chanting: You can live without them. You can live by your own self. Just like how you first came into their lives. It was bearable, but every time I remember it, I begin to realize I am so far away from where I last saw myself. 

I was desperate for healing. and I tried to look for it on the wrong way. I thought it was just a little whispering I had to go through for a short while because wounds are still open and exposed to the air of people and circumstances that continuously bringing pain. 

I know the truth. Ever since I ever known the Scriptures, I was taught to pray and ask God for the strength as I searched for the missing answers in my life. All along I thought it was as easy as praying when I was a little innocent child.

As I grew, I felt the additional inch away from the Lord. I am active in church, as always and what is expected. Never did I realized this slowly drift would cause a life-changing damage to me. 

It was devastating...

Up until now, I carry the bitter memories of my early adolescent years as I continue to embark my journey in the present. I continue to have regrets about what I did to myself and those around me in the past. It's haunting me every now and then.

It was horrifying...

To see that I may not be able to get back to where I used to be before. When I was still a little sweet child of my parents, I immediately obeyed what they said to me. But now, I will have to make some complaints and try to reason out, forgetting I am just their child and they are my parents. It was horrifying to see that as I grew up, the farther I step away from God's will.

It was ground breaking...

To see that my head have been growing bigger and bigger, slowly drifting away from where my parents tried to protect me from. I was totally lost to a new world I never thought I'd trade for a little pleasure I want to experience. I traded the peace and security in His arms for a temporary love and affirmation from the world. 

It was hypocritically disgusting...

To see myself present in church every Sunday, yet neglecting the testimony I have to live on in my life. My life was practically the life of an atheist, yet I was trying the best that I could to clean my own rugged scarlet frame. 

Then came the heartbreaking truth...

I have never experienced the grace I have always heard since I was a baby. I have declared to all the people that I am a believer, but deep down, my heart denies the power of transformation. I still am not saved. But I do want. And I came to the point where I am thirsty of peace and eternal life. I am thirsty for love that accepts all my flaws. I am thirsty for grace that can still accept me despite how rugged my situation is.

His grace is overwhelming...

This January 17, 2021, God touched my indenial heart. It kept me restless for the whole day. The night of our family devotion, God spoke to me. I know He wants me to be saved. I know He felt the struggle I've been trying to hide all these years. I know He knows and sees how I struggle to smile and proclaim I am a Christian when I was not. His grace poured throughout my soul that night. It was overwhelming. I was crying and my sinful heart was pouring out. I need a Savior. I need Him to save me from Hell. 

But sometimes I forget...

That His grace will always be sufficient for me. His love will be the only source to fill me and my needs. His promises will always carry me through with peace and that passes all understanding. I tried to end everything, thinking it will be the best way to forget everything.

His grace brought me back...

God never lies. He kept his promise of keeping me whether I am near or far from Him. He never let me go astray. He did brought me back. I was literally crying when I saw how He brought me back. He showed me His love through bringing me back to the day I experienced His grace and love. It overwhelms me. Again.

I am now relieved...

That I'll be strong. I am relieved that His grace will never run out for me. His mercy will cover me. His promises and Word will shield me from the fiery darts. It is a matter of faith and trust. Believing Him was always a problem for me. But remembering His grace and love for me is enough for me to say Thank You to Him that sits upon the Throne of Heaven.