A Not So Play Safe

        In life, there are things that we thought was normal to us and things we think was okay to do. We always think there were things that if we do, will benefit us, and others. But that's what we think. NOTE, WHAT WE THINK.

        Things you might consider as an escape, might be a prison for others. Sometimes, running away seems to be an answer for the messy surroundings you're tired looking of. Running away might mean peace, understanding, and calmness within. But what we think was safe and easy for us, is hard and unacceptable to other people. 

        I had been on this situation for a lot since I can even remember. And I just realized these things just this week that I've been doing this nasty thing for years. I don't want to be left hanging and see every person I love and got attached to just leave and the door was still open, making me plant a little seed of hope of the chance of them going back to me. It was painful to accept that I myself was making this misfortunes to other people. 

        Whenever there were difficulties, I tend to go around it, not through it. I was always scared. I prefer the longer battle, to keep injuries low and not that damaging to me. Yet that was what I thought. I realized that the more I stayed in these circular negativity, the more I'm drowning myself, making a little chance of getting out of this pit I made for myself. 

        It was painful, to see that I am the cause of someone's hurt. I call myself as someone who can accept a challenge, and possibly achieve something from that challenge. But what the early morning thoughts brought me, was that I was a toxic loser. I was the kind of person who is afraid of losing. I was the one who's afraid of the negative outcome of what may come on the other side of this broken bridge. I was the one who was afraid to lose something. 

        Because I thought losing something is for losers. I thought losing something is meant that you haven't been successful, and that you have to keep everything until the end. I was afraid to acknowledge that I'm weak. I was afraid people might leave me if they see me weak in just a point in my life. So I always have to show my strong side.

        I was playing safe. Yet this playing safe was not good for me, nor for the people around me. It made things worse. Days seem dimmer as I held on this fake good principle of mine. And I have to experience a broken relationship and tons of crying in order to realize what I'm doing to others and to myself is wrong.

        I've been running away. Running away from what lies behind. Ever since the greatest mistake I've done, I have been dependent on others' decisions. I would always doubt my rights and wrongs. I came to a point where I don't even know how to judge between right and wrong.

        I've come to quitting. Quitting life. Quitting peers. Quitting this undeniable pressure I built inside of me. Yes, no one built it for me. I built it myself. With the constant feeling that I need acceptance, love, and attention from other people, I try to secretly hide the flaws that I have and create a mask that only I knows it was fake. That I myself believed it was the real me. 

        It was hard to conquer, knowing I myself was trying to flee and circle around the problem. I was being selfish, though I thought I was trying my best not to burden anyone from what I'm feeling. I was being selfish, of not sharing my burden to everyone. I realized that I was giving them doubled-worry and agony of thinking what I might go through.

        Conquering shame and endless thoughts might be a long journey for you just like mine. I can't say that I've completely won my fight against these. Yet what I want to say is to not be afraid. It's harder to do it than said. I want you to not run away, like leaving everything in thin air.

        Conquering the fear of people leaving you might also take a long journey. Yet always keep in mind that they are not your gods. They are people. And people look at everything at a conditional state. The next day, they change their minds. 

        Your God is up above. Your God in unconditional. He loves unconditional. You don't have to hide your flaws because he just loves you and died for you the way you were. All He asks and wants is for you to enjoy this conquered-life. 

        It might be a hard move for you. Yet I believe, it will be harder if you keep on running away, never experiencing that breathtaking freedom God wants you to experience and enjoy.