Beyond What Eyes Can See
February 27, 2021, was a painful day for me. As the sun sets down below the sea just behind our humble home, so as the time God decided to take my Lola home to heaven. And I just want to share something about her, and about what I feel when I lost her...
Saturday, February 27, 2021...
I just finished singing hymnals to her. I also tried my very best to play Canon in D in my violin, where I still suck on the fast part of that piece. I really don't want to leave her side since yesterday was a very rough day for me and I hadn't had the chance to take care of her the whole day because of school. I just had a bad outcome for our final defense in our Entrepreneurship and I was exhausted from all the thoughts running around in my mind. I was totally in panic the whole day, so Saturday was my relief. And this day was the time I avoided every gadget and just focused on taking care of her.
My aunt was doing the laundry since doing chores stopped when my Lola got sick. My mama started to tell me that I should call Lola's brother and sisters in an alarming way. I was excited, because Lola's BP became normal for the very first time. Yet when I came back, the green color in the BP meter meant the very opposite thing—God was calling her home.
Hands were cupping her old, brown, cheeks that were marred with tubes and trails of tears. Fear came upon everyone that gathered and circled her deteriorating body. Tears brimmed my eyes as I watch how she got her one, last, final breath. I can't look at how the painful tubes destroy her one lovely face. As I kiss her head and whispered "I love you", so as she starts to leave all misery behind.
Last Sunday was the 1st anniversary of her going home to heaven. It was her first year on a place beyond what eyes can see. As hard as reaching the horizon, so is the hardship of constantly coping with the lingering pain that has been etched deep in my heart and mind. I know and believe she had gone to a wonderful place, yet I was still hoping I am in a silly dream.
To my Lola in heaven, please know that I am trying my best to be happy. No one can ever explain how painful it is to lose the person who lovingly took care of me from an infant to my 16th year other than my parents.
I am a bit angry to you, because you left too soon. As long as I can remember, you and I were planning about my upcoming 18th Birthday. I promised that you will be a part of my 18 roses, and we would be dancing as people watch how I love you.
I regret the day I tried to not tell you I am a writer. Maybe you could've been more proud of me if I told you that people are reading the stories I write, when you swept one of the notebooks I used to write the first ever novel I finished.
I was still wishing you could teach me how to sew properly, or maybe teach me how to make the bottom of a cauldron clean and has no spot of coal or any black thing. I was still wishing you could tell me more about what happened during the World War 2, or what happened to you when you were the same age as mine.
But I know that you have a great mansion in a place beyond what eyes can see. You have been a great mother to Mama and Tita, and you have been the best Lola I could ever ask for. I'm sorry if you weren't able to hear it clearly when you can still see me and my tears or my smile.
I believe every garment and cloth that is in your mansion up there were all sewed by you. You don't have to interrupt me just to insert the thread to the needle because your eyes have been totally healed. You won't have to always get a towel and wipe your silly gounds. Your eyes can finally see our Savior. Your eyes can finally see the place beyond what we can see.
You don't need your medication and every tablet that is in the cabinet for when you stepped into the place beyond what eyes can see, your heart will never fail and your blood pressure won't have a roller coaster ride.
You were enjoying the light that Christ has given to you and I know you would wish that we were there now with you.
And let me assure you, La, that the promise you heard from me, while I was holding your hand, while I can't stop my tears from running down, will be fulfilled. Do you remember it? I promised that whatever it takes, I will be a doctor. And I promised you, while you were holding my trembling hands, while I can't hold back my tears, I promised that I will do my best to understand what you've been through that last 5 days of your journey here on earth.
La, just enjoy sewing and singing the highest pitch you could ever sing up there. Enjoy the streets of gold and the crystal clear sea to the place beyond what eyes can see. It will not be so long before I will be in your arms again. It will not be so long before I could see your dark, caramel eyes again. See you soon, to the place beyond what eyes can see...
The first apo who made you smile and feel the Lola thing inside you,
Hannahbishi
Comments
Post a Comment